The Scheme of Things
by deadrabbit
Summary: Naraku & Sesshomaru are British flat-mates with weird stalkers...that stalk them. AU i guess. set in modern day
1. Default Chapter

**The Scheme of Things**

I do not own Naraku or Sess-homaru. Though their genetic clones are my sex slaves...but that doesn't matter at this particular point in time.

Naraku is standing center stage with that pretty stage light directly above him. Someone in the audience asks their neighbor if they have a tissue. Naraku doesn't play any attention & speaks

" Hi." He holds up his hand as a gesture of greeting." My name is Naraku as you should very well know..."

"Hi ya!" another male(the audience can only take my word) has also come into the light, interupting N, as we will call him. "And I'm Sess-homaru!" He gets those scary, happy, anime eyes he gets sometimes & waves... excessively. N raises an eyebrow in discomfort & confusion.

" Yes, he's my flat-mate, & another of the main characters in the story." N looks away from Sesshomaru & back at the audience. "In this story Sesshomaru & myself are British... well, Author hasn't figured that part out yet. But, she promised us as well as you that she will inform you of her decision as soon as she comes to it." Sessy giggles. N rolls his eyes looks in Sessy's general direction."Yes, what is it?." He keeps looking. Sessy smiles an evil smile & speaks.

"You said cum." He again goes into a fit if giggles & N sighs. The audience then hears a loud crash from the outside of the light & a curse of 'Damnit!' And many, 'owchies'...s. N looks in the direction of the sound(to his right) & sweat drops, cause unlike you, he can see who it was.

" Another thing is that we are to be dreadfully out of character & of completely opposite subcultures, in my opinion." Intake of air, cause N said this all in one breath. He is about to continue telling you to please enjoy the story when a hand reaches into the light. It has purple blue & black nail polish & A HIM ring with various other rings & bracelets. This hand will be the distinct calling card of Author. Korn-Korn, as we will call the hand is also holding a small piece of paper. N takes it & Korn-Korn disappears. " It says that Author would like to inform you that any resembalance between original characters, as well as Mary-Sues i..." He is cut off by an inraged Sessy.

"Mary-Sues my ass! Im not gonna fall for some blonde skank! I'm getting out of here." He trys to leave but is thrown back by the outline of the light & falls flat on his ass, propped up against the opposite outline. He cannot leave, he's stuck till the story is done. Author cackles evily from her place in the audience. Naraku again sweat drops & looks down at the now unconcious Sessy.

"O...k." He pauses for a moment, trying to take it all in. "As I was saying, resembalance is coincidential & we are to be british flat-mates in our mid twenties. Sesshomaru works at a book store & I work at, a... sex, shop." He has taken on a very annoyed expression. He than looks at Authors place in the audience. He clears his throat, looks back down at the paper, then looks at Author again. "Sex shop?" He still looks annoyed but he raises an eyebrow. Author giggles nervously.

"Um... I thought it would be funny?" Theres a surfer dude/ hick undertone to it. N glares daggers & crumples up the paper. He begins talking in a hurt voice.

"We are pleased to be preforming for you & would like to ask you to please enjoy the show.!" A single embarassed tear falls from his eye & he looks with an emotion I can't describe, at the crumpled wad of paper in his hand. The emotion is kind of sad, embarassed, nervous, hurt, scared at the same time...UNCOMFORTABLE! Thats the one, uncomfortable.

Naraku picks up the unconcious Sessy & drags him out of the light. He can leave cause he had good intentions. Another, unfarmiliar person walks into the stage. The person walks into the light & squints at the sudden change in brightness.

"Um, hi!" She waves uncomfortably at crowd. " I'm Author, I would liike to tell you what Naraku did not." I look down at my feet."First of all, I'm not British, nor am I blonde, or Canadian, or even Quasi-British. Though I was a mod on a personality test once." I look up in thought. I then look back at audience as though just noticing you were there. "Hi... N was so sad because he also read that he was gay. Sue me, I'm a slashy fan." All exhasperated, I huff & cross my arms." I will also be bashing hippies & anarchists, cause I hate them." I glare, then smile wickedly, then look back at you." Hi, It's not because I like the government, just because I can't stand the ignorant people that say 'shitted' instead of 'shat'." I now smile really corny like. "Ok... enjoy my fic & all that crap!"

See! Mary-sue, self-insertion, I put myself in the story. Not not all Sues are bad, are they N & Kitten-moo! There will be a shit load of crossovers & just know that I don't own the majority of the characters. Although some personalitys have changed." Looks over at Raven, who then waves back with bloody body(& cloths) washing bloody kitchen utensils. "I've created a monster." I shake my head in shame."But, I do own Angel...& maybe Jon, but I haven't decided." Stares into space questioningly. The reason is because One day I realized my imagination didn't have nearly enough Jay Gordon in it. You can't have a story without enough Jay Gordon...or Ben Stiller, but anyway. I created Jon off the top of my head to be a homosexual, Orgy lover(the band, perverts)! And my wish was granted, Jay-be for me & you to share...wait, no, he's mine. Jon looks a bit like Jay & is a fashion bitch like Jay, & wears make-up like Jay, but he's not. Hes 7 inches shorter(5'9) and thinner & 23 years younger(15), so if he is or not, you decide. Well anywayON WITH THE SHOW!


	2. don't you have better things to do?

It's a beautiful Monday morning. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping. Oh yes... & Sisters of Mercy is blaring through the apartment of Naraku & Sesshomaru. We follow the sound to apt C, & phase all Kitty like, through the door. We see Sessy sitting on the ragged excuse of a couch, reading the newspaper, the comics anyway. He laughs insanely at a particular strip, seemingly oblivious to the noisy music. Well, actually I guess it depends on which song you're imagining, it's 'Alice', OK! 'Alice'! So now the noisy thing is cleared up & we can go look for the listener.

The camera starts moving causing some of the audience to get extremely motion sick. Projectile vomit sprays here & there but still, we continue. It turns the corner only to run smack into N. We both look so perfect as we fall down(find the pun,damnit!). N looks shocked & horrified as he begins interogating Sessy.

"Who are these people! Why are they here! Did you lace my pillows with LSD again!" Those are just a few of his questions.

" Good morning poop head!" Sessy doesn't look up as he greets N, but he kind of turns his head in N's general direction. What Ho! His purty comics are snatched from his ring pop adorned, car paint fingernail polished fingers. His expression goes distraught and he gazes at where his newspaper was as if expecting his lovely comics to come back. When nothing happens, N is the first to blame...well it WAS him that did it.

"WTF N!" Sess then starts screaming incoherently at the top of lungs. It's all undefinable babble so we can't neccisarily say what it is. We now have our 14 year old prep interperator working on it as we sp...type. When Sessy's big head & slightly(he's only a butt head now) shorter & more layered hair, get out of the waythe audience gasps in awe or horror. Naraku has chopped his hair to shoulder length(you could tell if it was down) & he's back combed it! He is obviously a Robert Smith fan. He is glaring at Sessy. Frustrated confusion evident in his expression.

"I think I was coming in here to ask you something." He glares daggers at the camera crew." Before I found weird reporters have appeared in our house." He looks back at Sess, in the background hatchet boy looks hurt.

'Reporters!', he thinks.

N thinks for a while on why he came in here. Mean while the crew realizes that one of our own is stuck in the door. We panic & try to pull her out, but to no avail. She cries, knowing what we must do. I pull out a gun & aim it at her head. She tightly closes her eyes & tells me she loves me. I shead tears of my own & pull the trigger, ending her life. Naraku finally figures out what he was here for, I guess death jump started his memory. Sessy is looking at us aghast. We are writting to here family.

"Have you seen my blue eyeshadow? Not the metallic blue, or the other metallic blue. Or even the dark blue, but the blue blue.?" He speaks! Sess snaps out of it & stares blankly at his flatmate.

"No." he replies.

N sighs & rolls his eyes(i made a rhyme-) walking back to his room mummbling something about having to use purple. Hatched Boy, being the empathatic narcist he is, is the only one emotionaly capable of following him. In the room there is a shrine to Kikyo, depicting graphic images of her being raped & tortured. Thats as far as the camera man goes, he has this thing with naked women & lasanga. But we heard it's a very nicely decorated room with several, 'Naraku heart's Koga' things around it. There are also barbie dolls with nails in there heads hanging from the ceiling, emplying that someone has childhood issues. As well as a skull post bed, which probly cost a fortune... rich bitch.

Coming out from N's room(there with the cum thing again) HB tells us all about it & how he had a life sized poster of Daniel Ash, causing Author the turn green with envy & cry. He's mean. Sesshomaru is over by the corpse poking it to see if shes still alive... shes not.

"Can I keep her?" Sessy inquires.

Columbus looks at him with a start. & vigoursly shakes her head, cause she NEVER talks... not even to me. I feel unloved, I'm gonna go kill myself now, & if that doesn't work... I'm gonna clean my house.


	3. Leave! Now!

Continuing from where we left off, I didn't succeed in my plight but still didn't clean. I fell from the ceiling & quickly lost intrest & watched 'Hellsing' part 4 for the eightieth time. Returning to the story.

Sessy quickly explains to Columbus that his brother is a necrophiliac & his birthday is coming up. HB laughs & Author glares at him. We of course didn't notice that N had come in the room. He went into the kitchen & started getting food & crap out. I know this cause I heard him open the cabinets & looked. He looks at me & I am staring at him.

"I'm making pancakes." He says nervously

I continue staring, just waiting for him to say...

"Do you want any?" Yay! He said it.

Author vigoursly nodds her head & crawls hurridly twards him. From here on through the making & eating of the pancakes fook boony will take over talking to you.

Um.. ok. Sess has dissappeared into no where, that can't be good. Author is gazing lovingly at the stove where pancakes are being made. The corpse is starting to stink & bleed everywhere. Oh, Sess just went to get some paper towles &...towels, he's back now. Yummy, I can smell them, but I can't eat them cause Author promised me she would get me doughnuts if I didn't do anything stupid. Boy, do I love chickens!

Naraku is making glances at Authors hair. I think he likes it. Yes, I do too, Ryan Shuck has cool hair. She modeled hers after his. Shes probly gonna make me erase this, perfectionist. Ok Sess has mannaged to pry the body from the door & is now cleaning up. The neighbors across the hall are freaked out, they're old. Pancakes are done! L is going at them some good. Ok DONE! Yay, freedom.

Boy he was vague. Bad Fook B, Bad! Ok, on with the day.

It's about, four o'clock in the afternoon & Sessy is reading dirty magazines. HB is in the car looking for another one. N has gone out to some goth club, I only assume he crawled out through a window, or else I would have followed him. HB has come back & throws the mags by Sessy's side. he grabs the one entitled 'Fetisha' first.

"I thought you were gay.?" Says HB.

"No, just picky." Sessy replies.

After a few enlightened moments, HB quickly loses intrest & comes over to play Go Fish with us. While playing, we hear a series of moans & groans. As well as a few 'faps' & other such erotic sounds. I hold my hands over Fook B's ears, for he is to young to be hearing this.

The noises eventually subside & Yany stops her maniacal laughter.

At this point, Sessy is going to bed & we are left to wait up alone for N. Though I feel the need to tell you that Sess told us goodnight & we think he winked at Cloumbus. I got very jealous.

Minutes turned to hours & hours to more hours. N finally found it in his heart to come home, with a guy, dead drunk.

"He smelled like rave!" Yany said when he went back to his room.

The same sexual sounds as before stared up again-- & again, I covered FB's ears. Though, this other person had a strikingly farmilliar voice. HB was unconcious, & giggling girlishly in his sleep. We did not feel the need to follow N, even though many fan girls are probably VERY pissed at this statement.

I spend the rest of the night & morning, untill everyone wakes up, trying to place the voice. I don't need to wait long, for that sexy, Finnish, incubus, shows his black clad ass. He tried to be stealthy & failed miserably, if someone was awake. My companoins of course sleep like logs-- in the toilet! Bitches. Ville Hermanni Valo, walks into the hallway. He is in the era of Razorblade Romance, SHUT UP, this is my fantasy! He's wearing some PVC pants with no shirt. Luckily it's still dark out or he would have a bitch of a headache right now, he looks a bit hungover. He quietly(sort of) stalks to the door & leaves. I would be on the verge of tears if he didn't notice I was awake & panic slightly. I have made my mark of someone famous, & thats all that matters. Mr. Vasquez is next of course.

A/N If you dont know who Ville Valo & Vasquez are... look em' up! Ville's the frontman for the band HIM & Jhonen V. is a comic book artist.


	4. redundant much?

A/N On with the show! A. Mauchline has agreed to put some of my artwork up on her site! It'll probly be called Saint Andrew, by Nanners. so if you wanna go see it, just follow the link . That SHOULD take you there, if not, just take yinepu without the nice hair. oh & Ozaka...you can just die you smart assed bitch...um... genderless person.

Im very sleep depraved so if i spell anything wrong, deal. I refuse to capitalize! N is randomly sitting watching TV & its halloween just so you know. Sessy is begging him to take us out trick or treating, i guess. do they celebrate halloween in Britain? He finally caves in & we go out in our normal drab. Nny is a weird slut devil, nig nog is a slut pirate(these were last minute costumes guys) im white trash, so im in my own drab. Fb is a... rabbit & HB is some random bed sheet. We didn't have time to cut out eyes.

First house, we got some random potato chips. At first we didn't think anyone was there but Sess threatened to throw FB through the window & the people answered. The next house is kind of poverated so we pass it up. The kitten man asks us if we want to come over to his house to see his kitten. We have to drag a screaming HB away from him. Poor guy really wanted to see that kitty.

The night comtinues with an abundance of candy & treats. Trivia questions lso insue.

"So what if the people say trick?" N asks FB.

He pauses a moment to contemplate this quirey. He speaks.

"Then we, we, Fuck up their shit! Yeah!" We all stare in distress, exept for Sessy, who is stuffing his face with pixy stix.

"So nice to see you've thought this through." N says, his words just dripping with sarcasim.

We walk by Vasquez's Mountain Mansion. Since we can't very well TP his house, we settle for the next best thing & paper towel it. We asked his traumatized neighbors, who gladly obliged.

The trick or treating has ben completed & we walk back to the flat. When there, we happily share stories of our child terrorizing conquests. Even N laughs along with us. Candy is consumed untill we throw up & then we eat some more. I consume highly caffinated foods & beverages & I don't believe i will sleep for a week.

And that's pretty much the story of what is going on at this moment, forget that its May you shits. Halloween comes early in Indy. It's fun to scare the neighbors & say trick or treat when they open their doors. They think they're hallucinating.

A/n Um...hi, yeah. well i just made this up of the top of my head & i put forth NO effort whatsoever. god im tired! cant. close. eyes!im drawing yet ANOTHER comic. I m thinkin of getting a deviant art thing, that woud be fun. then you could see my 'im so goth im dead' picture. that stupid Gorillaz song is stuck in my head, one of my weird friends started singing it on the phone to me today. ok ill shut up now.


	5. Chapter 7

Ooh, this is a long one. All you fans, all one of you, are gonna love this one! Hooray for spell check! An update, can you believe it? I was just reading through this very fic just to see how much I rule, when I realized, it sucks. Yeah, not just a boring suck , I mean just welcomes flames & needs to die. Well now I promise I'll do better.

In the place of a dear friend lost in the first chapter, we bring you Glitter Girl, cause It's the only thing I can think of right now. Glitter girl, audience; audience, Glitter girl.

We join the crew in a heated debate.

'There is no way Sesshomaru is human, no way!"

"Well he eats tequitos doesn't he?"

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"I feel nothing."

HB has wandered off to god knows where. What are 'equities'? Sessy is watching Gacy, a movie that makes author cry. Poor guy hooker, & he was so angelic.

N has begun to go in & out through his bedroom window so we can't catch him But we know he's back when Columbus' left earlobe twitches. She knows things.

A blood curdling scream of, 'Why are you sniffing my underwear?' can be heard from N's room. We now know where HB went. Ah, Naraku's panties, I'm wearing a pair as we speak, type.

Muffled musings, "What? You'd look really good in a thong!"

Monotone terror, "Take them off."

More Muffle Musings. " Ooh, kinky huh? Well, sure I'll take them off."

Vomiting.

N decides to join us in the living quarters, room. Karakul, I like that name.

'What kind of whirlwind adventure shall we go on today', I wonder. Nothing really seems fun right now. How about we go to the actual Inuyasha thing & send the real greasy haired Naraku to make a sandwich. That sounds like fun doesn't it? Well follow me children, and let Auntie Lynn show you the way!

REAL Inu Yasha:

Naraku was masturbating to his Kikyo porn when he decided he wanted a sandwich. Vulgar, I know, but know that he _will_ wash his hands before eating said sandwich.

A simple trip to the kitchen he thought, but oh was he wrong. As he walked through what will look like my future home, he heard a faint growl. Thinking it was his empty tummy, he didn't acknowledge it. I few feet (or meters) later he heard it again, but this time louder. 'Now this is getting ridiculous!', he thought. So he turned around only to come face to face with that baby-crying-giant-aborted-scorpion-fetus thing from Hellraiser! "Oh shit", he squee-ed to no one in particular. I roll the dice and they decide that he gets a sword and the pants to a suit of armor, because I don't have any life points left…well the breast plate then, that will help more.

So he gets his armor and sword, then, chanting the words he learned as a wee child he says, "Thunder, thunder, THUNDER CATS, HOOOOOO!" Yeah, and using the powers of the planet Liono's from, he destroys the creepy Hellraiser monster and saves Castle Grey Skull!

Whew, that was close. So he's walking, and, he's walking…when he sees aaaaa(n)….. UNICORN! Yeah, a Unicorn. That word is so magical it needs to be capitalized.

Except instead of a horn it has a dildo. Gigiddy, gigiddy, goo! And, it does something, and Naraku doesn't care. Well, he cares how it got there but he doesn't care what it did, so he keeps walking. Can you tell I'm making this up off the top of my head?

Then all of a sudden ninjas appear! And they're all like, "Hey hommes, we all bad, & we gun' cut you good, man!" & He's all like" Try it Beaners!" So they do. And with his awesome sexin' powers, he instead, cuts them good.

By now, to him, this is all getting very tiresome. So he continues through the halls which have miraculously turned into a tropical rainforest, so now he's got all these damn mosquitoes. He wishes he'd brought his 'OFF'. He manages to bite & flail his way out of the forest, when all of a sudden…

Gackt, yes Gackt, the epitome of human perfection, shows his beautiful, god-like face. Ok, I need to go jerk one off, but I will return momentarily.

Alright, I'm back. So Naraku has to face off with Gackt to get his sandwich, and damn it, he'll do it!

Gackt, being the superior life form he is, finds Naraku to inferior to even speak to, so he just looks at him all, egotistical like. That, and he can't speak English worth a shit & I don't know very much Japanese.

"Tentacle rape attack!", shouts Naraku.

But, Gackt is wise to his ways, and I think he'd like that tentacle rape thing. Perv.

Gackt uses his tight-shiny-pants of doom attack, disintegrating Naraku's tentacle root things.

Naraku is pissed, he lunges at Gackt! But, Gackt, being Gackt, uses his rubber spine attack.

Naraku misses and lands flat on his face. He's had enough, and so has Gackt.

Now the final crescendo, the crème de la crème. It's nice how they have those little accent things in spell check.

Gackt uses Gackt Face™.

But Naraku has a face of his own. He uses uber-goff look!

It is miraculously strong enough to counter the Gackt Face™ !

Gackt gives him that look of, ' You are indeed a worthy opponent.' and he takes a step back.

"Beam me up Scotty." He says. And he is teleported back to his mother ship where he undoubtedly has to perform an anal probe. Yeah right, anal probe, more like BUTT SEX!

Naraku's journey is at an end. He walks into the kitchen to make his sandwich only to find that he has no bread. His mascara runs.

A/N: Wasn't that sad? What do you want me to write about next, fan? Birthday, thanksgiving, meet the parents?


End file.
